True story – when I was in primary school I wrote a series of short stories about drugs and violence and guns for a homework assignment. This worried the teachers a great deal and they pulled me aside to make sure ‘everything was okay at home’. I was all, “Yeah, lol, everything is fine. I just think a guns and drugs are funny.”

If I had any artistic talent I would have probably drawn pictures similar to these. No idea who’s responsible, but they come from the most real website on the internet – Hood-Lum

Don’t mind us, we’re just trying to get the web stats up and writing things like ‘Lindsay lohan’ and ‘porn’ in the opening sentence is good SEO technique. I mean, if we wanted to go all out we could title this post ‘Linsday Lohan Lesbian porn’, but we’re not that tacky. Well, we are, but we’re still not going to do that… Instead, we’re just going to keep writing a post about writing a post. Which is the sort of thing people do at 4am while not very sleepy and listening to old Gus Gus songs… wow, I think I need a job.

Question. Which celebrity should we ‘do’ a zine about? Everyone seemed to like that Lindsay Lohan fanzine the other week and we want some of that same action / publicity. Question is – who do we photocopy? Some ideas…

Kim Kardashian – popular and well know, but maybe too obvious?

Tila Tequila – Impossibly trashy. But does anyone care about her?

Paris Hilton – Potentially over the hill?

Mila Kunis – Actually, that could work…

Sasha Grey – too ‘porn-ey’.

Britney Spears – yuck.

Rihanna – worth it just for the Google searchs.

Beyonce – Always standing next to Jay-Z. (A zine about ‘true love’?).

Katy Perry – married to Russell Brand.

Scarlett Johansson – Yeah, if we wanted our magazine to SUCK.

Cheryl Cole – Amazing, but no one outside the UK knows who she is.

Miranda Kerr – A little too MOR.

Blake Lively – No.

Winona Ruder + Dinosaurs – the (brilliant?) Wild Card entry!

This all makes perfect sense. You listen to Dizzee Racal’s records and the first thing that pops into your head is – “there’s a man who likes to take photos of ducks on weekends.”

Mind you, if he wants to be next level with it he should actually lure the ducks in with bread, wait until they trust him, then grab one and triuphantly hold it over his head while a friend takes a photo… which is something we maybe used to do back in the day…

Honestly can’t decide if we like this or hate it. Suspect if it came on in the club at 2am it would cause MASSIVE DAMAGE. As for Kreayshawn, she’s from East Oakland, is down with Odd Future, and direct videos. So there you go.

I’ll be honest, the only reason this update is here is so we don’t have two ‘Youtube updates’ in a row. That just looks lazy. Having gotten that disclaimer out of the way, I randomly stumbled across the website of Gamengai. They have a huge archive of old Japanese arcade game flyers. This is relevant to my interests so here’s a selection. You can click through all 26 pages here.

Proper update tomorrow…

It’s 3.50am. Should I (A) go to bed so I can get up at 9am to cancel a dentists appointment I really don’t want to go to, (b) write an update about how Blogged and Quartered have compiled all the old Beastie Boys punk songs into one zip file and you can download that isht for free.

PS. Stole this from Platform.

So I was going to write about Maid Cafes the other night, and then I sort of did in an accidental / meta way. Just click here if you can’t be bothered scrolling down. Point is – Japan has Maid Cafes. They’re a very localised thing and they’re DEFINITELY not aimed at tourists.

I realised this when I accidentally got off on the wrong floor in an elevator shaft and found myself face-to-face with a girl dressed up as a French Maid. She didn’t speak any English and I didn’t speak any Japanese. At first I thought ‘fuck it’ and figured I could get a drink and write about the experience as some sort of anthropological study. While I managed to order a beer okay, I lost my nerve when the girl brought over a ’services’ menu entirely in Japanese.

If you don’t know, you can pay the maids to do weird stuff – like yell at you, or draw on your face, or burst into tears, or play Rock Paper Scissors. I had no idea what the menu said and the idea of paying a girl to sit with me in awkward silence didn’t appeal. So yeah – I left. Um, sorry for the shit story…

So originally I was going to write an update about Maid Cafes. You know – the cafes in Japan where woman dress up and play pyscho-sexual mind games with business dudes. I was given a bunch of flyers for these places while on the streets of Akihabara and I wanted to arrange these in an interesting / relevant way and take some photos (it’s more fun than scanning). Unfortunately, my camera battery appears to have died. Here instead, are some random images I’ve stolen from various sites over the last week or so. Maid Cafes later in the week…